Welcome to Seattle! Failing Out Loud 🚣

So I’ve been homeless for 3 months. I’ve lived in at least 6 cities, tripled the names in my contact list, and traded my MacBook Air for an iPad with a keyboard because iPads have data and travel is life. My Verizon phone bill is Unlimited Everything and $150 a month. And I can’t tell you the last time I paid rent. Or held a job longer than two weeks.

Before this, I can’t tell you the last time I really liked myself. Or was proud of my accomplishments. I can’t tell you the last time I looked at my life and smiled.

Now, I get giddy. Literally. I’m fucking excited for my life. And sometimes waking up is hard, because being homeless is extremely exhausting, but starting a new adventure every day is also exhilarating.

Confused?

I have been hiding my failures since I moved to LA three years ago and that’s been stupid. If you knew me then, you would think I’m a huge failure now; a lot of people do. I ruined my credit, have no savings, and I’m not even in Seattle anymore because I didn’t love it. Literally. I looked around and asked myself, “do i love this?” and when I realized the answer was “no” I moved on to the next place.

When I left LA in February, I think @JeanineAmapola had just announced another Big Surprise! for her followers and I remember thinking, “do they ever fail?” Influencers. Do they ever fail. People think I’m an influencer and I’m convinced I’m not because I fail all the time. And when I fail I’m scared to tell people/show people and let the world judge me, so then I don’t take pictures or film videos or make content either.

And then I fail at being an influencer because I’m not making any content so see, I’m not an influencer. I created my own failure.

I’m moving back to Los Angeles, full time. After traveling for 3 months, I realized I left because I felt inadequate. Everyone was hustling and I couldn’t get out of bed. Girls were spending small fortunes on House of CB and all I wanted to do was smoke weed at the beach. I didn’t fit in so I thought I wasn’t good enough. I was scared of failing so I left. I failed on purpose so LA couldn’t do it for me. I quit.

Does Jeanine fail? Does she ever have a great big idea that she thinks will change the world and then it just doesn’t? Does she ever go to the gym and treadmill for 30 mins just to go to Panda Express after because food makes her happy? Memorial Day is coming up, will Jeanine choose a one-piece because she feels inadequate? Does she ever feel inadequate??

I assume the answer is yes, to at least some of these questions. Because you can’t have progress without failure. If Jeanine, or any other influencer, never posted shitty videos she probably wouldn’t have learned to make good ones. If Jeanine didn’t share her stories with the internet, she probably wouldn’t even have subscribers to announce her Grand Surprises! to.

We fail because we’re scared to try, not because we’re not good enough. What if we stopped feeling ashamed when we failed and we just started embracing it?

What if your story includes your failures and that’s why you feel empty every time you try to hide them? Stop feeling ashamed or guilty when you fuck up. You will fuck up. Tell someone. Screw it, write a blog and tell everyone, “ I FAILED, but boy did I try! Or maybe I didn’t try, but that’s a learning experience too!”

If we don’t say our failures out loud we can’t celebrate them. I’ve been homeless for three months (FAIL) but I’ve traveled more in this time than I have in my entire life (SUCCESS). I’ve met so many guys I think I’m actually ready to start dating again. And now I even know what I’m looking for!

I’ve had so many people cook me dinner I could probably eat anything at this point. Personal favorite? Boxed Mac and Cheese “casserole” with canned chicken mixed in and topped with melted cheese, courtesy of my friends in Mt. Shasta, CA. I ate every bite. I’ve sat in so many homes. ❤️

Fail out loud and let the world see. I wish I had documented my trip, because now I can’t even show you guys how awesome it was. I don’t have vlogs with all the incredible people I met along the way. I didn’t Instagram the Mac and Cheese. Or the nice grown man about 30 who’d probably never seen a pretty (black) woman before and literally insisted on giving me all his candy. I took some. It was adorable.

I can’t share those moments with you guys because I actively hid them and that sucks. And I don’t even have those memories documented for myself, which sucks a little more.

Fearing failure steals your happiness. Don’t do it. Embrace the sunshine. Fail Out Loud. 🌞

Song of the Day: This is Me x Demi Lovato 🦋

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5 thoughts on “Welcome to Seattle! Failing Out Loud 🚣

  1. OMG, whoever’s Monica is LITERALLY just stole my comment. Lol
    All I could think of after I read this was “Love Love Love” and I truly do
    We need more REAL accounts out there
    Keep sharing girl

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