Welcome to Seattle! Failing Out Loud 🚣

So I’ve been homeless for 3 months. I’ve lived in at least 6 cities, tripled the names in my contact list, and traded my MacBook Air for an iPad with a keyboard because iPads have data and travel is life. My Verizon phone bill is Unlimited Everything and $150 a month. And I can’t tell you the last time I paid rent. Or held a job longer than two weeks.

Before this, I can’t tell you the last time I really liked myself. Or was proud of my accomplishments. I can’t tell you the last time I looked at my life and smiled.

Now, I get giddy. Literally. I’m fucking excited for my life. And sometimes waking up is hard, because being homeless is extremely exhausting, but starting a new adventure every day is also exhilarating.


I have been hiding my failures since I moved to LA three years ago and that’s been stupid. If you knew me then, you would think I’m a huge failure now; a lot of people do. I ruined my credit, have no savings, and I’m not even in Seattle anymore because I didn’t love it. Literally. I looked around and asked myself, “do i love this?” and when I realized the answer was “no” I moved on to the next place.

When I left LA in February, I think @JeanineAmapola had just announced another Big Surprise! for her followers and I remember thinking, “do they ever fail?” Influencers. Do they ever fail. People think I’m an influencer and I’m convinced I’m not because I fail all the time. And when I fail I’m scared to tell people/show people and let the world judge me, so then I don’t take pictures or film videos or make content either.

And then I fail at being an influencer because I’m not making any content so see, I’m not an influencer. I created my own failure.

I’m moving back to Los Angeles, full time. After traveling for 3 months, I realized I left because I felt inadequate. Everyone was hustling and I couldn’t get out of bed. Girls were spending small fortunes on House of CB and all I wanted to do was smoke weed at the beach. I didn’t fit in so I thought I wasn’t good enough. I was scared of failing so I left. I failed on purpose so LA couldn’t do it for me. I quit.

Does Jeanine fail? Does she ever have a great big idea that she thinks will change the world and then it just doesn’t? Does she ever go to the gym and treadmill for 30 mins just to go to Panda Express after because food makes her happy? Memorial Day is coming up, will Jeanine choose a one-piece because she feels inadequate? Does she ever feel inadequate??

I assume the answer is yes, to at least some of these questions. Because you can’t have progress without failure. If Jeanine, or any other influencer, never posted shitty videos she probably wouldn’t have learned to make good ones. If Jeanine didn’t share her stories with the internet, she probably wouldn’t even have subscribers to announce her Grand Surprises! to.

We fail because we’re scared to try, not because we’re not good enough. What if we stopped feeling ashamed when we failed and we just started embracing it?

What if your story includes your failures and that’s why you feel empty every time you try to hide them? Stop feeling ashamed or guilty when you fuck up. You will fuck up. Tell someone. Screw it, write a blog and tell everyone, “ I FAILED, but boy did I try! Or maybe I didn’t try, but that’s a learning experience too!”

If we don’t say our failures out loud we can’t celebrate them. I’ve been homeless for three months (FAIL) but I’ve traveled more in this time than I have in my entire life (SUCCESS). I’ve met so many guys I think I’m actually ready to start dating again. And now I even know what I’m looking for!

I’ve had so many people cook me dinner I could probably eat anything at this point. Personal favorite? Boxed Mac and Cheese “casserole” with canned chicken mixed in and topped with melted cheese, courtesy of my friends in Mt. Shasta, CA. I ate every bite. I’ve sat in so many homes. ❤️

Fail out loud and let the world see. I wish I had documented my trip, because now I can’t even show you guys how awesome it was. I don’t have vlogs with all the incredible people I met along the way. I didn’t Instagram the Mac and Cheese. Or the nice grown man about 30 who’d probably never seen a pretty (black) woman before and literally insisted on giving me all his candy. I took some. It was adorable.

I can’t share those moments with you guys because I actively hid them and that sucks. And I don’t even have those memories documented for myself, which sucks a little more.

Fearing failure steals your happiness. Don’t do it. Embrace the sunshine. Fail Out Loud. 🌞

Song of the Day: This is Me x Demi Lovato 🦋


Hannah B’s Handmaid’s Tale #ROLLTIDE 🎓

I don’t know about you, but I’m the kinda girl who watches The Bachelorette, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and CNN for drama. With that being said, something caught my eye this week: Sweet Bachelorette Hannah B from Sexist Sassy Alabama… I wonder if she knows? #ROLLTIDE

This article started out as all the reasons I LOVE Hannah B, which I will list here: 

  1. She was the “crazy one” on Colton’s season of The Bachelor and that is #relatableAF. Cassie was normal and boring and I really wasn’t here for it; Cassie’s sister was on the show for 30 seconds and I even liked her better. 😂
  2. Hannah is NOT rehearsed. As someone equally quirky, and equally underestimated, I love seeing a smart woman who smiles, laughs, and is confused just as much as I am. Also, I once had a dude call me an airhead. I’m an Ivy League graduate; Hannah B graduated manga cum laude. Quirky isn’t stupid.
  3. Hannah B talks back! As gracious and charming as she is, this girl does not stand for bullshit. During the Colton season finale, I fell in love with her when Luke P tried to tell Hannah how to pin the first rose and she corrected him and pinned it her way. Some women would have acquiesced and let him do it wrong, not Hannah B!
  4. “I had sex and Jesus still loves me”. Well it’s good to know Jesus forgives, but what about Alabama State? 🤔 #ROLLTIDE
  5. She genuinely seems sweet AF. I would be friends at Hannah B. We would stroll the mall princess waving at all the wanna-be Miss America’s while laughing at all the boys who wish they could be our men. Then we would take our beautiful butts downtown and donate to the local homeless shelter, because that’s what actually matters. We also don’t use straws at Starbucks. #savetheturtles 🐢

The moral of this story is that women are smart, beautiful, capable, and AWESOME and men who try and control our bodies just turned a very sweet article into a very sour conversation. 

We smile, and we laugh; we flirt and we make conversation; and you might think we’re airheads, but I promise we are not. You (government of Alabama) CANNOT force women to have children we aren’t ready for. And apparently Alabama’s new bill-to-be-law excuses health complications, but NOT rape or incest. 

Meaning, if Hannah B got RAPED walking down the street, and her rape resulted in a pregnancy, and her doctor was in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, it would be ILLEGAL for her to abort her rapists baby, period. She would literally be FORCED to birth (and raise?) her rapists child, or die trying. This is literal people, these are Alabama’s literal laws. 

Not personal enough? Here’s a scenario: 

There could be an instance where YOU are walking home from Trader Joe’s, YOUR HUSBAND is at work or something, and a random creepy man grabs you, pulls you into an alley, and does God only knows what with YOUR body. See Thelma and Louise bar scene.

Now, not only do you have to explain to your husband that you were violated by another man, but you also have to feel the shame associated with being sexually assaulted, and THEN you have to ask your husband if he’s ok with raising this man’s baby because according to Alabama you would be required BY LAW to birth it. 

Do you get a divorce? Does your boyfriend want to raise another man’s baby? Are your other children ok with mommy giving away their rapist-seed-brother after she’s been visibly pregnant for nine months? Have you seen Jo Wilson in the latest Grey’s Anatomy?? Are you ok with your first child being a curse instead of a blessing? 

(Hannah, woman who’s currently courting 30 men, how would you feel if this were you?? What would you do?)

No access to safe and legal abortions means more young/teen moms OR more young women who die trying to keep control of their bodies.

Hannah has been given a tremendous platform and I truly hope she uses it for good and uses her voice to protect the women in her state and all the other young women who look up to her. Politics are not in a bubble seperate from us and a Bachelorette that proudly yells #ROLLTIDE should also be aware of the policies affecting her and all future University of Alabama Bachelorettes.

As a 24 year old woman who is now making six figures from her role as Bachelorette, I would also assume Hannah B wants to keep her job and her income. And of course, her life. 

And now I feel it’s also time to point out that The Bachelorette has NEVER been a woman who is also a mom. Mom= no Bachelorette hopes. You could be a Bachelor contestant… but those women don’t make salaries and the mom never wins. You don’t want to be Colton’s Elyse. I want my husband to also be the father of my children. (No offense, Elyse)

On a personal note, I would never live in Alabama because I’m still not a fan of the Confederate flag, but I do realize how policies directly affect our everyday lives, and once one state legally violates the constitution AND Roe v. Wade, none of us are safe.

Again, I don’t live in Alabama so I’m not affected right now, but but there are plenty of women who do live there and I’m sure they would like to feel safe and respected as well. Also, Hulu’s Handmaid’s Tale is trending because of this issue and I highly suggest you binge every season to catch up on the atrocities. Also, it’s a great show.

Here’s what YOU should do:

Decide how YOU feel about abortion issues and why. If you got raped tomorrow and found out you were pregnant, what options would you want? Do you want to raise a rapist’s baby? Will you have to reallocate the money you’ve been saving for a condo for a new college fund? Are you even finished paying your own student loans? Are you ok trading DryBar blowouts and fancy eyelash extensions for baby formula?

Are you ok putting your child up for adoption? Do you want the freedom to consider your options as a young woman thriving in her 20’s/ a potential new mom? Are you ok being stuck with this demon-seed- Chucky-child for the rest of your life? I’m not. No fucking way. Especially not right now. I’m twenty five.

How important is your freedom to you? How important is your career to you?  How important is your marriage? Your husband doesn’t have to birth this baby, YOU do. How do you feel about that??

A lot of us don’t plan or expect to accidentally get pregnant, but NONE of us plans or expects to get raped. Take that into consideration when you consider that a state in this beautiful country is actively working to take away your freedom to choose what happens in that exact situation

And if you live in Alabama (or don’t), contact your Governor, Kay Ivey (334.242.7100) and let her know that you like your rights, and you plan to KEEP them. #ROLLTIDE 🤙🏽

Why You Should Work For Women 👠

I’ve recently decided I do not want to work for men anymore. Instead of dragging all my old bosses, let’s focus on the positives! Here’s why you  should work for women!

She is more likely to be your mentor. Women get women and chances are, she’s been in your shoes and can share your point of view. Better yet, she can add to it because she’s already gone through it. Men and women have different experiences and you might be able to better learn from a Girl Boss (get it lol) because she can relate to you.  Also, there are tons of resources specifically for women! (ex: scholarships, bar associations, etc.) and she might be able to help you gain access to those.

Women Achieve Results! Women have things to do! Including raising babies and making 7 figures. We’re great at multitasking; we love efficiency and results! Women tend to be better at working in teams; men tend to treat you like their assistant.

Social Proof: A CNBC article found that companies with female executives are more profitable . I think that’s because women are better at analyzing problems, which leads to more efficient solutions = more profit = more paycheck for you!

(Ideally) No sexual harassment. I promised I would not drag my old bosses, but at least 2 of my old bosses have made inappropriate advances towards me #MeToo. Frankly, I just got tired of having to quit my job because a man couldn’t learn how to keep his hands to himself. Women don’t tend to have that problem. Of course, there are exceptions, but we’re speaking generally here.

Women are more understanding of life things in general. Empathy and emotional intelligence are way more prevalent in women bosses, and that makes me really happy! Women also tend to be better at communication, which makes for a happier workplace.

Balancing work and professional life are no longer impossible.Women are more open to maternity and paternity leave, they understand the concept of work from home, and in general they also want to get home to their lives.

When working for men, I noticed they never try to see my point of view. Which 1. Makes me feel unappreciated and 2. Lowers the company’s retention rate because I don’t like feeling unappreciated. So I leave. And when you constantly quit jobs, you make less overall. Which increases the gender pay gap and have I said this already? You should work for women. 😍


  • She’s still your boss, not your girlfriend.
  • Respect her just as you would respect a man (lots of ppl don’t and that’s rude af).
  • Please do not go out for drinks with any of your bosses, male or female. It’s unprofessional and potentially unsafe. And you might get fired if you do something stupid, because that’s your boss! Don’t pull a Craig and get fired on your day off. ❤️

Song of the Day: Run The World x Beyonce 👑

It’s Okay to “Feel Fat” 💩

We live in a society where everyone is offended by everything.

Do you ever feel like you can’t say anything without someone taking it the wrong way, putting their spin on it, or straight up telling you what you should be saying instead? I feel this way. It infuriates me.

So let me tell you what happened. The other day I was over a friend’s house and we were drinking vodka and trying on dresses. Because that’s what girls do. And I looked in the mirror and said, “I want to lose ten pounds”.   

All hell broke loose.

In my mind, I thought I was saying: Wow, I look good in this dress! But I see areas I could improve by working out. That’s easy. As a current 8, who the fuck doesn’t want to look like a 10? Who doesn’t want to feel like a badass b*tch?? (now that’s self-improvement!) Hell yeah, I can lose ten pounds and make myself more body-confident in a bikini. Done.

But you can’t say that out loud, because the second you mention the word “fat” you’re the devil or a body shaming bully. How about we blame society for setting and reinforcing these standards? Not to mention, my friend who is saying this is gorgeous and very clearly works out every day. Like, every day.

Maybe I just want to feel good in my own skin, in this world we all live in. If you had a mustache above your lip, would you not wax? Or at least Nair if you don’t want to pay for the wax? But why do we feel so personally attached to fat? It’s fat. It doesn’t make you who you are. If you trim your hair, do you hate yourself?

I had even started to convince myself that I had some mild form of body dysmorphia; I was the crazy one for not loving an unhealthily-high percentage of body fat. For wanting to start running so I wouldn’t get tired from walking up the stairs too fast. For wanting to actually feel confident in an overpriced dress we buy for the sole purpose of looking good. I’m a real life psycho.

No! I want to be a healthy happy human being and I realize this one thing really affects my confidence and body image, so I’m going to change it. And also, obesity is real. Health is science. Stop telling me to stay happy and out of breath.

I see a problem with myself and I want to fix it. That should not be offensive to anyone and if it is, I’m sorry I don’t really care. Please stop telling me how I should love myself.

My body, my choice. I’ll eat healthy and workout if I want to. Haters.

Song of the Day: May I Have This Dance x Francis and The Lights ✨

For All the Daughters ❤️

For all the daughters who didn’t get hugs.

For all the daughters who were made to feel small.

For all the daughters who want mommy’s love and daddy’s success.

For the daughters who feel misunderstood.

For the daughters who don’t feel like daughters.

For all the mothers who don’t understand their daughters.

I’m starting a foundation. It’s going to be big and it’s going to be grand and it’s going to make all of this worth it. I am going to build a career where I give women everything I needed when I was young. Everything I need right now, today.

For all the daughters,

I got you.

Your sisters have got you.

We will be your family.

(just give me some time so I can build us a great house that will last forever 🏡)

Song of the Day: Oprah’s Life Advice ☀️🎓

Baby’s First Sabbatical 👼🏽

All this time I’ve been beating myself up because in my mind, I was supposed to be using this time in LA to get YouTube Famous. And as long as I’m not famous, I feel like I’ve failed. Except a year ago I couldn’t even admit that I wanted to be famous because my ex shamed me into thinking it was stupid. So how the hell was I going to become famous when I couldn’t even admit out loud that I wanted it?

All this time I’ve considered myself a failure for not being famous yet, but what if I was doing all the real work in the background? I was healing myself. I was overcoming generations of poverty and lack of opportunity. I was building a career for myself so I wouldn’t have to spend the rest of my life asking someone for a paycheck. I was learning “rich white people” culture so I could finally stop feeling poor and black.

Also, I reread that sentence and instantly thought, “wow that sounds racist”, but let me be clear: It is difficult to live in a society that makes you hate being black. I’m black but I’m not poor. I’m black but I’m not aggressive. I’m not a super predator, or ghetto, or a thug (The Hate U Give). I’m black and there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I had to overcome self-hatred. I’m black and I’m beautiful.

I look at this beautiful woman I’ve turned into and I forget that I wasn’t always her. I found her. I healed me. I did the work to build the foundation for a future I was never supposed to have. What if all this time I’ve been belittling myself for something so trivial (because let’s be real, we all know I’m going to be YouTube famous at the very least), and all this time I’ve actually been doing something so amazing.

No one else has done this. At least not where I’m from. I don’t know many little girls from Newark, raised by teenage moms, that go from a single parent household in the projects to an Ivy League college and then are self-employed by 25. I don’t know many little girls that strive for happy healthy relationships when they’ve never actually even seen one in real life. I don’t know many little girls willing to stand up against everyone and lose the people they love most, because they have so much confidence in their dream and their ability to make the world a better place. Actually, I do know one little girl, ME. I DID THAT! (Also, Cardi B did that, just saying. #TeamCARDI)

It was hard because the path didn’t exist yet. And I couldn’t afford a chainsaw, so I had to knock down every tree by hand, by myself. And I’m still knocking down trees, but at least now I can afford an ax. For the first time in my life, I am able to efficiently help myself. And others when they need help too.

The thing is, I’m here now. I can see the fucking beach. And on the beach there are boats that I can afford. And all the chainsaws I could ever want! I can leave the island or I can stay and forge another path. A hundred more paths. A million more paths! I am free to make whatever decision I want and it will not be the hardest thing I’ve ever done because that phase of my life is over.

I’ve made it to the fucking beach. Do you know how easy it will be to chainsaw some trees when I’ve been knocking them down by hand my entire life? What obstacles?? Fuck it, maybe one day I’ll even have a bulldozer!

I have no idea what my future holds and I don’t even want to plan it because maybe I’ve been thinking too small. All I know is, I’m at the beach. I can feel the sand and I can smell the salt water. And I’m fucking running towards it.

Metaphor: Life is a jungle and you’ve gotta make it to the beach. Oh, and the chainsaw is privilege you get from being rich and/or white. I can’t be white, but I can be rich! #imnotblackimOJ #OJdidntgotojailformurder 🤷🏽‍♀️

Songs of the Day:  Fight Song x Rachel Platten | Formation x Beyonce 🧜🏽‍♀️

The Ideal Summer Date

Picture this: a long romantic walk on a deserted beach with this strange man that you met a bar two weeks ago. As he gently caresses your chin and pulls you closer, you wonder whether he wants to kiss you or kidnap you. You think that maybe being kidnapped wouldn’t be so bad, considering your calves hurt from walking in the sand for hours and being kidnapped means you wouldn’t have to walk anymore. You decide being kidnapped might be a nice vacation from life and go in for the kiss with high hopes. Either way, this works out.

Continue reading “The Ideal Summer Date”