I gave up my personality a long time ago. I think I just got so good at being pretty and making myself small. For my mother, for John* and his family, for Arthur*. I wanted their acceptance so much that whenever they said they didn’t like something, I got rid of it. And yes, I always get fed up and leave eventually, but by that point I’ve already given up so much of myself and I’m exhausted. And I’m depleted. I have no fucking clue who I am.
I’m completely uninterested in meeting people because everyone I’ve really loved has either manipulated me or left. Or both. I’m tired of being left and I refuse to give anymore of myself. I want me back. I am mine and I want me back. But I also don’t want to be alone anymore. I miss love. I miss being loved. I miss being cared for and protected. I miss having someone to rub my hair. I miss feeling warm inside. But I don’t trust anybody. I don’t even like anybody right now.
What I do know, is that I want my personality back. I want my voice back. And I don’t care if people call me a bitch. I mean, of course I do. But I care more about hearing my own voice. I care more about standing my own ground. The world is scary and it is so nice to feel protected. But I have to protect myself now. I want to protect myself now. And I’m going to protect my voice and who I am.
I’m sassy. Like sassy as fuck. But I’m also kinda really funny. Like lowkey funny. That’s just who I am. That is one of the most endearing things about me. That is my personality. You can’t take away one without taking away the other. (It’s the DNA of who I am). And if you take my personality away, there is nothing left.
Who am I if I’m not me? I’m nothing. I would be nothing. And honestly, nothing is worth being nothing. No one is worth not having yourself. I choose to believe that. I choose to believe there are people who don’t need me to be nothing in order to love me. There are people who want to love me for who I am. I choose to believe that. It’s my choice.
I’m going to speak my truth. I’m going to fucking scream it from the rooftops. And I’m not going to apologize for it. I’m not going to make myself small anymore. I’m going to stand the fuck up, just like the big boys. Because I have big girl things to say. And also, I like being pretty. I’m not going to let anybody take that from me. I’m not going to make myself ugly so that men can’t prop me up like a fucking trophy. I’m not your trophy. I’m not your anything. I’m not yours. I’m not going to make myself unsuccessful so that my parents won’t have anything to brag about. That’s not fair to me. I am sassy as fuck and I want to feel pretty and successful. That is who I am. That is my personality. No one is shaming that out of me. Not even other (fake) feminists.
I’m probably going to get in trouble, but I’m going to say what the fuck I want. And I’m going to stop comparing myself to my dog to get through my issues. Because I’m better than that (lol). And I’m going to get the fuck over my ex. Because I’m so much better than him.
Oh and November 6th, I really hope you vote Democrat. Because I didn’t like Hillary, but I still knew Trump would be a very bad idea. Look how that’s turned out 😊
*obviously not their real names
Song of the Day: Hold Up x Beyonce🔮